a day of loaves and learning

 

There are people in my life who are onto me. They know when I say I work at a coffee shop I’m attempting to make my workplace sound more glamorous. The truth is, the joint is a bakery. But we do sell coffee. Cups and cups and cups of it go out, sometimes I try to keep count but I’m too busy grinding and hissing and wishing all our customers would die slowly to keep up.

I suppose you could ask what’s wrong with bread?

Coffee is cooler, but bread is what sustains us. Unless you’re coeliac and need gluten-free bread in which case I can offer you a cappuccino.

Tomorrow is the June the tenth, the second year anniversary of my little sister, Libby’s, death. I’m not sure what’s in store, emotion-wise, but I know for sure there will be coffee. I’ve been obsessing and panicking, doing my thing, getting stuff done, with butterflies in my stomach. And I think the butterflies have butterflies in their stomachs.

Still, today I made a change. I decided to stay in the moment all day, to not get in then, not worry about the next, but be where I was the minute I was there. I suppose that sounds elementary, it might be for some, but not for me. I didn’t get these frown lines out of nothing, lady!

At the slicer, I’m in the now and it is good.

At the register, I’m in the now, look at me in the now.

At the bread racks, I’m in the now, I’m right here, and nobody can tell.

I smiled to myself. I came to understand if you were in the now nothing could hurt you. I got a little bit out of the now when I considered that if you were pinned under a bus, or a piano, you’d be hurting, but I didn’t get sidetracked for too long. Besides, I think, being in the now would be good for pain. You’d feel pain sure, but you might be able to stress less about outcomes, I’m gonna make it? Relax, you’re here, making it, now.

Phew.

I learned a lot today.

I didn’t go back over things and I didn’t consider what might happen and in the not worrying, and not extrapolating, I found peace. And thankfulness. I became thankful for my job, my customers (I know), and especially thankful for the great people I work alongside. Sure, they’re a wild and smelly bunch but I love ‘em.

Tomorrow a contingent of us is returning to Playtpus Rock. Libby’s ashes are all but gone, it’s sad in a way, but there will be comfort. I’ll sit on the rock and dangle my legs over the side, the water will be high and swirling, cars and busses will rumble by above us. Madonna will be playing. We’ll smile and laugh and cry and miss her in a way that hurts our guts.

Last week I was dreading the day, now I look forward to it. I’ll celebrate Libby and celebrate missing her. I’ll try to be in the now, I’m learning and sometimes it takes me more than one go. But I know I’ll find peace.

Image

a nice looking now

2 thoughts on “a day of loaves and learning

  1. Your post was beautiful and I feel as if I should leave some sort of comment but really don’t know what to say. I am so sorry for your loss but glad you are celebrating your sisters life and I also hope you find peace tomorrow. Also the picture of the kitty in the flowers is beautiful.

  2. Thank you for your thoughts. I don’t what to say half the time. We had a lovely day (mostly) and feel lucky to be able to spend time thinking of her. The cat is our house lion, Little Jerry.

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