if depression is a black dog, then anxiety is a mutant shark

I’ve always said there’s only two things in life I’m scared of; spiders and sharks. Can you imagine if sharks came with the thick black hair that comes on some spiders? Now, that would be scary. Turns out I’m freaked-out by a little bit of success, also.

Yesterday I was offered a contract for my new novel, ‘Unmarry Me’. I did my typical thing of giving being thrilled a minute, long enough to post an excited-sounding announcement on Facebook, and moved on to anxious and hung out there. I’m still there.

Didn’t sleep, didn’t shake the feeling, and here I still am.

Crapping myself.

Not because I think the editing will be difficult. I believe in my editor will we make a good book together, anxious because of anxiety.

Keep it together.

Keep it together.

Keep it together.

I’ve forgotten the coping strategies I was using a couple of months ago, I’m not riding my bike, I have plans for the tenth of June, and I’m taking it a day at a time. I have turned into a regular cliché.

I think my editor expected me to sound happier. She doesn’t know that me and Erin and Libby when she was here, don’t do happiness that well. Sadness, drama, fear, we can do it standing on our heads, give us happiness and we’re looking up, waiting for the sky to fall.

I’m happy but I can’t get to it. Grief and anxiety are way more accessible.

So, yep, a day at a time. I’ll do this a minute at a time, if have to. I’ll dial it back, get in the moment, stop extrapolating, ramp up the appreciation, I have a tonne of things to be thankful for.

Here is a short list in which many things have been left off:

My husband, my sons, parents, sisters and brother, friends, work, you, dear reader, words and sentences, my bike (we’ll get there), ideas, and yes, a publishing contract.

I’ll stop fearing the fear of the fear of fearing because that’s a lot of fear and not a hairy shark in sight.

photo-53

 

not anxious, just sleeping 

 

 

One thought on “if depression is a black dog, then anxiety is a mutant shark

  1. If it makes you feel any better, I was bitten by a spider 3 days ago. So far, not so bad. But it was hairy for a while. 😉 Congrats on the book contract. It’s so fascinating to me the vast differences in what causes anxiety for me vs. what does for others

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